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📚 Should You Read This?
Toby's Rating: 10/10
If you’ve ever avoided a challenging conversation—be it delivering difficult news, consoling someone in distress, or navigating conflict—then Listen by Kathryn Mannix is a must-read. This book offers practical guidance for approaching emotionally charged discussions with empathy, clarity, and courage. It’s especially valuable for leaders seeking to improve communication in high-stakes situations. Kathryn Mannix’s deep experience as a palliative care doctor lends wisdom and warmth to this essential toolkit for meaningful conversations.
✅ Toby's Top Takeaway From Listen by Kathryn Mannix
Ellen's hospice was caring for an elderly man with cancer named Jim. He had no family, lived alone, and struggled to look after himself due to severe pain in his legs and back. Valuing his independence, Jim had been reluctant to enter the hospice. When he arrived, he was unkempt, smelling of stale urine—a consequence of his difficulty getting to the bathroom.
Jim spent most of his days in bed, except when the physiotherapist managed to coax him into the exercise room to watch live football on a large TV. While distracted by the game, he tolerated the discomfort of having his thin legs stretched. His hair was matted, and his stubble grew into a messy beard littered with food debris. Despite this, he refused offers to help him wash or shave. Unable to walk to the toilet, he struggled with urine bottles, often spilling them. He reluctantly accepted clean hospice pyjamas with little interest.
“He was hard to help, hard to like, and hard to get to know,” Ellen admitted. “We hated the idea of not liking a patient, but he kept everyone at arm's length.”
As Jim’s condition worsened, he required more painkillers and lost interest in eating, drinking, and even watching football. One night, he repeatedly rang the nurses' bell, complaining that he felt dirty and wanted to be washed. Yet, each time they offered help, he declined, leaving the staff feeling helpless and frustrated. Ellen, reflecting on her CBT training, decided to approach Jim differently. Late that night, she entered his room and asked, “Jim, you seem very restless tonight. What’s bothering you?”
After a long silence, Jim finally replied, “I won’t be worthy like this.” His words revealed a deep sadness. Ellen gently asked what he meant by “worthy,” and he responded, “Filthy. Unworthy.” He explained that being clean was essential to his sense of worth. “Jim, would you like a shave? A wash?” Ellen asked. Jim agreed but insisted, “I want to do it myself. In the bathroom. Like a man!” Despite his frailty, Ellen recognized how important this was to him.
She persuaded the nursing staff to help her wheel Jim into the bathroom, despite their concerns about the risks. After administering extra pain relief, they carefully helped him into a wheelchair and wheeled him to the sink. Ellen set up a basin of hot water, a comb, a clean razor, and shaving soap. When Jim demanded to do it alone, Ellen hesitated but agreed, leaving the door ajar. Before stepping out, Ellen told Jim, “I’m proud of how manly you’re being. But please, be careful—I’d get into trouble if you cut yourself.”
For the next half hour, Ellen waited nervously outside, listening to the sounds of Jim shaving. Finally, he called her name. When she entered, Jim’s hair was combed back, and his face was clean-shaven. He let Ellen shave the areas around his Adam’s apple, then requested clean pyjamas. Together with the nurses, she helped him into bed, where they all admired how handsome he looked. Ellen left to prepare him a hot chocolate.
When she returned, Jim had passed away. Ellen realized his urgency to be clean, shaved, and dressed had been his way of preparing for death. He wanted to leave this world feeling “worthy.”
Excerpt from Listen by Kathryn Mannix.
A profound example of listening, serving, and being present—choosing to “be with” someone rather than “do to” them.
🤖 Turn This Book Into Action
Despite reading this book, I still have a problem. I’m not converting the knowledge into action. To solve this problem, I’m turning to the solution everyone is looking for: artificial intelligence. I’ve developed a set of AI tools to turn knowledge into action.
💡 3 Big Ideas From Listen by Kathryn Mannix
The Power of Listening Without Fixing - Effective listening is about creating a safe space for others to express their thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment. When we try to "fix" the problem, we can unintentionally diminish the speaker’s experience. Instead, listen with curiosity and ask open-ended questions like, “Tell me more about…” or “What do you think about that now?” This approach empowers others to find their own solutions while building trust and confidence in their abilities.
Tender Conversations Require Timing and Space - Sensitive conversations flourish when the conditions feel “good enough.” Create a comfortable physical and emotional environment, and allow both parties to pace the discussion. Recognise that you don’t need to resolve everything in one sitting. Small gestures, like offering tea or adjusting seating to feel less formal, can transform a discussion from transactional to relational. Importantly, respect others’ readiness to engage—inviting, rather than insisting, opens the door to deeper dialogue.
Courage to Begin is Transformative - Initiating difficult conversations is often the hardest part. Mannix highlights the “Threshold Effect,” where hesitation keeps us stuck. Using preparatory phrases like, “I have something important to ask,” or, “This may be a difficult topic,” helps set expectations and eases the transition into the discussion. Acknowledging your emotions, such as, “I’m too shocked to comment right now,” can also create space for reflection and honesty.
💬 Best Quotes From Listen by Kathryn Mannix
“We all have moments when words fail us, often because they are swirling in a fog of emotions.”
“The way we listen affects the speaker’s confidence.”
“Being a companion in suffering requires us to hold a space where suffering is not judged, discouraged, or minimised.”
“Curiosity is a versatile tool: it allows us to explore differences without diminishing the other’s perspective.”
“Talking about death won’t make it happen, but not talking about it robs us of choices and moments that will not come again.”